I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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