They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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