like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
