Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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