clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I am naked and annoyed.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
