he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
