Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
