my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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