Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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