Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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