We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
