I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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