Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
