do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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