if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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