There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
