There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
