just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Farmville is her only friend.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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