life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
