My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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