i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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