What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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