someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
