guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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