Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
