Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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