i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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