the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I've blown a few things in my day
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
