Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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