I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
