Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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