I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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