i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
