end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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