the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
