oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
