I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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