I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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