grandma shit on top of the toilet
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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