I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
