Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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