This is not my ceiling
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
