just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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