he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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