i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Then you guys just all showered together...?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
