He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
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