I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
