you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
