Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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