and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
