New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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