If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
