it's like iHOP with fire
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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